Thursday, June 30, 2011
Freedom is what everybody wants. We began to pursue freedom in order to flee ourselves from any form of entrapment when we started to realize that, flexibility is a gift and we didn't come so far to embrace a mundane routine.
Sadly, at some point we ought to have a firm grasp of reality and hold our nerves when someone insists fatalism in our face. The more I thought about how people associate hopelessness and despair with their goals and dreams, the more it pisses me off. However,the truth is we kind of deliberately chosen these pessemistic thoughts when nobody else is around to offer solace, didn't we? We picked up an odd sense of belonging if we get along with cynics. Prison turns out to be tolerable if we knew that nobody else is alive and kicking outside.
Yet, a foregone desire remains devilishly attractive. Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night, startled myself with a sudden anguish; wondering should I or shouldn't I, just be mad at the world. Unfortunately, when my emotions are holding my brain hostage, I'd take my anger out on innocent people, blaming those who are responsible for my change.
I am apparently invisible now. Someone must have wronged me, right?
Though I've made numerous hasty irreversible decisions in my life, I assure you that I made them with all my best intentions at that moment. I don't care if it takes my whole life to rebel against fate, I'll make things right again. I may not know much about right and wrong; But I'm sure when it's right, it feels right.
Good Luck, Fellow Dreamers.
Early symptoms of Depression scrawled upon my soul as I'm strolling around the city all by myself.
Everyone gets sad. Yes, Everyone I've ever met. But do they hold on sorrow firmly in their arms like how they protect their valuables from someone who might take them away? I don't think so. So it's just me then.
All my former glories and golden oldies assembled for my reconciliation of self. My humiliating failure of living-life-to-the-fullest gave me something to remember it by, a constant fear of losing my life before I could achieve something big. I attempted to ward off this irrational anxiety by figuring out the fundamental reason that inflicted these pains and sorrow. Turns out, it caused me to drown in palpable loneliness. Lately, useless whinings had become my signature tune. These negativity almost exhausted me and I have nobody else to turn to.
I was told that all kinds of life-changing events goes to an open mind. Others just simply tend to blind themselves from precious opportunities due to their insistence on defending traditions. Speaking of traditions, I'm burnt out by the rigid pattern of pleasure seeking rooted in our nature. We don't think we deserve happiness if we hadn't offered a plausible degree of sacrifice. Were our ancestors playing a practical joke with us? What happened to "we are born perfect"?
Statistically, all lighthearted people gets satisfaction easily, which can be very upsetting for the rest of us who are mindful of our thoughts and emotions. Given the history of my predicament thus far, maybe it's time to think a little bit less. Life is breezy when you take it easy, ain't it?
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Time is running out. Rather than settling down in a routine, I decided to shake myself up. Travelling has always been my passion and no one knew this better than my parents who have to tolerate with my endless yearnings over the years. I am starving for a journey to a foreign world again. The urge to getaway from my deadening lifestyle in Leeds is circling in my head every single day, I swear I could feel it in my veins. So I packed and left, for Venice, Basle, Zurich and Edinburgh.
It takes a lot more than a form of motion to satisfy the definition of travelling. From the UK to Switzerland or from Italy to France, or any kind of "here to there" is a never-ending competition between our expectations and reality. Places like Venice and Rome are filled with ravishing imaginations, streets and buildings romaticized by movies and stories we're told by lucky fellows who couldn't stop bragging about their splendid encounters. No wonder our hopes are high. Since there's a chance that I'd never come back to this place anymore, I ought to explore this piece of land thoroughly and bring back as much as I could. Souvenirs and Pictures; Inspiration and Revelation, I am prepared to grab a ton back.
Stunning scenes, Lucious local food and Cheap Souvenirs are warm reminders that the trip is worthwhile. But there's a tiny voice in my head keep on pushing me to ask for more. The Best Spiritual Journey of Personal Discovery Ever!-That's what I was aiming for as I planned my itenary. Isn't it ironic? I wished for a spontaneuos miraculous discovery so much but still I'm stucked with my controlling nature and the lack of courage to risk getting lost, ended up with the reliance on a Lonely Planet guidebook.
As eager as children for the trip to begin before I step foot on the land of Italy, I surprisingly found myself standing in front of an old Historical Cathedral, feeling exactly, Nothing. It's a kind of unexciting but calm emotion with a slight contentment of a regular Saturday morning, with no sense of novelty at all. I was devastated.
It happens, no? We dreamt of Graduation, Being chosen to become the employee of the most prestigious company in town, Get Married or even Becoming a parent; we bore ourselves with the repetition of these phrases in our diary and in random converstion, thinking that the more we talk about it, the closer we get in acheiving it. When we finally got there, all we have is just the proof of "being there". If life is just merely a dull state of oneself, what is worth living for beside some petty personal feelings that no one care except ourselves?
Then it dawned on me. It doesn't matter where you go, it matters who you are with. I was somewhere else, without you; but I'm now here, with you, and my life just got a little better. We meet new people to create our better days ahead, and we treasure our old friends because they are our personal travel companion. Most importantly, we take our family everywhere we go because they live in us.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Last night, was indeed a special night. I cried like a 7 year-old. The thing is, I wasn't being tragic, nor surrounded by any fear-based sorrows anymore. I felt alive, with all my teenage memories refreshed. Re-birthing is the word.
A ray of light comes through the small leakage of my soul, with pains and sorrows flowing out like nobody's business. It was magical. I was pulled 7 years backwards, to the finest moment of my life before twenties-where love at first sight is possible and the best thing that could happen to me is still being anticipated, the simple and lovable fifteen.
My old self and my old will to live was still there-awaiting green lights to take over my boring unloved life with occasional suicidal thoughts. Then I asked myself, what if I let this young innocent soul without any sense of social expectations to help me decide my future?
Well, everyone dislikes changes, no matter they admit it or not. We have always been a devoted fan of traditions, but being a deviant now, doesn't really make my life any easier. Therefore, if the change is for a better good, why not?
Let me forgo this poor unfortunate soul who winds day and night on how unfair the world has treated him, and replace it with a familiar face-the fifteen-year-old ME. I guess he will ROCK the world! Just like he always did.
"Ready, Set, Go!"
Living in my unsound and overrated dreams, occasionally stunned by the marvelous creation of somebody else's life, I am doomed to be unhappy as I'm am often victimized by my own optimism.
I have needs dear, I have needs.
If I voice it out directly, it will sound like a hint of irony, because I had internalized the notion that you can't always get what you want. Hence, right before reality steps in and vanishes it into total silence, I'd have to be in search of all possible justifications for my stubbornness in showing up everyday for this piece of work- becoming who i want to be.
To be smart, since it involves massive consumption of time, energy and my precious central focus of daily life, this has to be more than plainly attaining pleasure after careful calculation. Perhaps the reason I am suffering, while enjoying, is because I tend to be restless, even when I'm calm and focused; and I could be focused even when I seemed to be totally distracted. I have all the characteristics of a mess-up artist, who's in need of a glimpse of god for wonderous creation.
What now? I am sick of my inflexible structured life-plans, tired of everything that attempts to convince me to believe those life-is-tragic concepts-just by having them in thought puts me into never-ending pain. So eventually I had adapted myself with getting into troubles. I have this strange concept-only when I am in trouble, I could meet up with all my fear-based reactions which have known to be capable of making miracles out of nothing. Thats why, I am going to answer with pride: "Yes, I am in trouble now."With my head held high, I am completely NOT ashamed to admit that, I am in serious trouble because I have missed several deadlines. Besides, the fact that I'm now a non-productive consumer, often led me to unforgivable guilt and anguish. Now I will fight against IT.
So listen up, IT! Let me make this clear. I am not going to be diplomatic or tolerant this time. I want my passion back! Bring back my courage and confidence! And most certainly, don't you dare hold my imagination in captive anymore! I have the right to do anything that in my opinion, brings me pleasure. I am surrendering my control over everything I care. So if God is in charge, please set me free. If the mysterious divinity is my vessel of inspiration and strength, may it be generous to me.
"I am now emptying myself, with a slight hope to fill it with new exciting stuffs."