Tuesday, June 28, 2011

An Empty Vessel

Living in my unsound and overrated dreams, occasionally stunned by the marvelous creation of somebody else's life, I am doomed to be unhappy as I'm am often victimized by my own optimism.

I have needs dear, I have needs.

If I voice it out directly, it will sound like a hint of irony, because I had internalized the notion that you can't always get what you want. Hence, right before reality steps in and vanishes it into total silence, I'd have to be in search of all possible justifications for my stubbornness in showing up everyday for this piece of work- becoming who i want to be.

To be smart, since it involves massive consumption of time, energy and my precious central focus of daily life, this has to be more than plainly attaining pleasure after careful calculation. Perhaps the reason I am suffering, while enjoying, is because I tend to be restless, even when I'm calm and focused; and I could be focused even when I seemed to be totally distracted. I have all the characteristics of a mess-up artist, who's in need of a glimpse of god for wonderous creation.

What now? I am sick of my inflexible structured life-plans, tired of everything that attempts to convince me to believe those life-is-tragic concepts-just by having them in thought puts me into never-ending pain. So eventually I had adapted myself with getting into troubles. I have this strange concept-only when I am in trouble, I could meet up with all my fear-based reactions which have known to be capable of making miracles out of nothing. Thats why, I am going to answer with pride: "Yes, I am in trouble now."With my head held high, I am completely NOT ashamed to admit that, I am in serious trouble because I have missed several deadlines. Besides, the fact that I'm now a non-productive consumer, often led me to unforgivable guilt and anguish. Now I will fight against IT.

So listen up, IT! Let me make this clear. I am not going to be diplomatic or tolerant this time. I want my passion back! Bring back my courage and confidence! And most certainly, don't you dare hold my imagination in captive anymore! I have the right to do anything that in my opinion, brings me pleasure. I am surrendering my control over everything I care. So if God is in charge, please set me free. If the mysterious divinity is my vessel of inspiration and strength, may it be generous to me.

"I am now emptying myself, with a slight hope to fill it with new exciting stuffs."

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